1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,960
DAVID: It's just been nice
to do something new.

2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,960
MICHAEL: Yeah, must have been.

3
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,960
I don't like resting on my laurels.

4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,160
No, you don't.

5
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:14,960
I like to push myself,

6
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,960
as you know.

7
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,960
ANNOUNCEMENT IN JAPANESE

8
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:33,960
Oh, I'm so sorry, am I keeping you?

9
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,960
No, no, no, no. I'm...

10
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:40,960
You know, we've just been at this
for a while now.

11
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,480
Am I boring you?

12
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:44,960
It's nearly midnight.

13
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,960
Sleep in!
I can't. I have responsibilities.

14
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,960
Like what?

15
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:52,160
Er, like Christmas trees,

16
00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:55,960
erm... family, love.

17
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,800
I want to tell you about my laurels.

18
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:00,960
And I sincerely do wanna hear
about your laurels.

19
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,160
It was an adventure.
Was it?

20
00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:05,960
I pushed myself.

21
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,960
Yeah, well, you are doing an advert
for cream cheese.

22
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
But in Tokyo.

23
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960
And I drove a car.

24
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,960
Do they like cream cheese in Tokyo?
Not a fucking clue.

25
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
I'm sure they will
when they see you drive a car.

26
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:21,960
I'm spreading the word.

27
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,480
MICHAEL SIGHS

28
00:01:25,480 --> 00:01:27,000
Oh, come on! Why are you in a mood?

29
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,960
I'm not in a mood.

30
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
I'm stuck in an airport!
Whose fault is that?

31
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960
I need distracting.

32
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:33,960
Buy a book.

33
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:37,960
The shops aren't open yet.
Write a book.

34
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:40,960
When do you board?

35
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:43,320
I don't know. There's a delay.

36
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,800
Hang on, have you dyed your hair?

37
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,960
No.

38
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,960
It's looking terribly lush
and youthful.

39
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,960
It's just the light in this room.

40
00:01:56,480 --> 00:01:57,960
Knock, knock.

41
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,160
No.

42
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,960
Come on!
No.

43
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,640
Come on, play with me.
No, play with yourself.

44
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,960
Oh, saucy! What's the first rule
of improvisation?

45
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,960
Never say no.

46
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:09,480
Never say no.
Give me a location, go on.

47
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,960
Erm, Tokyo airport?

48
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Less specifically geographical.

49
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
An airport.
Give me a character.

50
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
Hyperactive Scottish actor
waiting for a plane.

51
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,480
Ooh, interesting.
Who's he talking to?

52
00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:22,960
Hestia, the god of patience.

53
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,800
Give me a genre.

54
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Tired romance.

55
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Knock, knock.

56
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:33,960
Go away!

57
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,640
THICK ACCENT: I've got
a parcel for you.

58
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:36,960
I never ordered anything.

59
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Label says, "Michael Sheen".

60
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:39,960
There's no Michael Sheen in here.

61
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,960
I think it's a big bottle
of hair dye.

62
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Could you use it?

63
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,960
It's from a lovely lad,
name of David Tennant.

64
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960
Never heard of her.

65
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
Oh, well,
shall I just leave it outside?

66
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:52,960
Erm, I couldn't give a fuck.

67
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960
I tell you what, set fire to it
and throw it at a badger.

68
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,480
SIMON: I just need to talk to them.

69
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:10,960
LUCY: Isn't David still filming
in Japan?

70
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,960
Well, they've got phones in Japan
and in Wales.

71
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Michael cocoons for Christmas.

72
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,960
How do you know
what Michael does for Christmas?

73
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
We talk all the time, to be honest.

74
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
What, you and Michael?
Yeah, and David.

75
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960
But you're filming in the Caribbean.

76
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
Yeah, they've got phones here, too,
Simon.

77
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,640
How is it that everyone is filming
something except for me?

78
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,000
They're just so good together,
aren't they?

79
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,640
Simon, I'm running out of time.
I'm meant to be on set.

80
00:03:32,640 --> 00:03:34,960
And I resent it.
Yeah, I won't be a minute.

81
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960
But I can't ignore it.
I need to be in hair and make-up.

82
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Look, the networks don't want me.
Nobody wants me.

83
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,960
Of course they do.
Only if I've got David and Michael.

84
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:42,960
So, get David and Michael.

85
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,960
I need an idea.
What happened with the film?

86
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960
It was only gonna happen
if I had David and Michael.

87
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,960
Oh! And they said no?

88
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,960
They thought about it.

89
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
And then?
Then they said no.

90
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,960
The miniseries?
The same.

91
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
The play in the West End?
David or Michael.

92
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,480
For Hedda Gabler?
I was shopping a bold concept.

93
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:00,960
And David and Michael said...

94
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,320
Just went quiet this time.

95
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:03,960
The pantomime?
They wanted Georgia.

96
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,960
As what?
Dick Whittington's cat.

97
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,960
And she said no?
She left me a very angry voicemail.

98
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,800
Oh, sorry.

99
00:04:11,800 --> 00:04:13,640
It's all right.
It was nice to hear her voice.

100
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:14,960
You need a new idea.

101
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,480
Been offered a radio play.

102
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,800
Oh, of?

103
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,960
Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.

104
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,960
Hm. Do you want to do that?

105
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,960
No, I wanna write something!

106
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,960
They've said no to everything
you wrote since series two?

107
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,960
Comic Relief.
They said yes to Comic Relief.

108
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,320
You can't say no to Comic Relief.
It's like national service.

109
00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,000
Lucy?
Yeah. I've got to go.

110
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,960
But if I offer them something
and they say no again,

111
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:37,960
that's it, I'm toast.
I know.

112
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,000
Yeah, OK, I'm coming.

113
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,960
Oh, um...

114
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,960
Is there a version of this?

115
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:44,960
Is there a version of what?
Erm...

116
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,320
Our director says it
when he wants us to try something.

117
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,960
What do you mean?

118
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
It's disarming, you can't say no.

119
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Is there a version of this
where we cover it in one shot?

120
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,800
Is there a version of this
where we talk less emotionally,

121
00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:00,480
where we discuss
working together again?

122
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,960
Is there a version of this?

123
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:06,000
Lucy.
I'm coming!

124
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,960
Start with that,
and just see what they say.

125
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Yes, sorry. Go. Great, thank you.

126
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:13,960
Bye-bye. Oh, er,
one more thing. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

127
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960
So, they're not picking up
when I call,

128
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,160
so is there a version

129
00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,000
of this where you...?

130
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,320
SHE SIGHS
Seriously?

131
00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:35,160
My co-star reminded me of you.

132
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,960
Really?
Yeah.

133
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
Yeah, I mean, not you now you,

134
00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960
like, nowadays
grumpy old bastard you.

135
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,960
Not that you.
But you back in the day

136
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,960
when we first started
working together.

137
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:49,960
How so?

138
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:51,000
You know, it was playful,

139
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,960
quick-witted, youthful, curious.

140
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,960
I made him laugh.

141
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,960
Remember when I used
to make you laugh?

142
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Well, I was young.

143
00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,960
I laughed at glove puppets
and people falling over.

144
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960
Yeah. We don't laugh any more.

145
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:04,960
We don't talk any more.

146
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,160
We're talking now.

147
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:09,480
Yeah, but only while we wait
for Lucy.

148
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,960
MICHAEL SIGHS
We talked last night.

149
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,960
Yeah, but you were in a mood.

150
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:14,960
I was not in a mood.

151
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:17,000
All right, fine.
You weren't in a mood.

152
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,960
WHISPERS: But you were.

153
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,800
MICHAEL HUFFS

154
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,960
Prrr.... Think she's gonna be long?

155
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
I don't know.

156
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,960
Gonna go for a wee
before she joins us.

157
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,640
Oh, lovely. Thanks for that.

158
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:40,960
You know, she never saw your Hamlet.

159
00:06:40,960 --> 00:06:44,320
Neither did you.
No, I didn't. You're right.

160
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:47,800
I never wanna see another Hamlet
as long as I live, I don't think.

161
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,960
Once you know who done it, sort of
takes the joy out of it, doesn't it?

162
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,960
Mind you, I love a bit of Columbo.

163
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,480
WHISPERS: Fuck off!

164
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:56,960
No David?
No, he's in the toilet.

165
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:58,960
Oh. Will you be long?

166
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,320
I wouldn't think so.
Come on, Christmas trees.

167
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,320
TOILET FLUSHES
I don't wanna miss the tall ones.

168
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:06,000
He's always a double-flusher.

169
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,320
TOILET FLUSHES
And there we go.

170
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:10,960
Ah.

171
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,960
Ah, Anna!

172
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,800
Hello, David.

173
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,960
Where are you?
Tokyo.

174
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,960
What happened?
Planes have been grounded.

175
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
Volcanic ash in the sky.

176
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,160
You're in a hotel?
Indefinitely.

177
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:26,480
Well, you can't miss
Georgia's birthday!

178
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,960
I mean, I have very little control
over this situation.

179
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,960
She'll be furious.
It is a volcano, you know.

180
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,320
Well, have you got her
a good present?

181
00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:35,960
I was gonna arrange a party.

182
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,800
What?

183
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:40,960
Have you done that before?

184
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,960
Well...

185
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:44,960
No.

186
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:46,960
But it can't be that difficult,
can it?

187
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
Will you say hi to Lucy for me?

188
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,800
I will.
OK.

189
00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:52,960
Lycka till.

190
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:53,960
Shisha shill.

191
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,960
I always take the hotel art
off the wall.

192
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,960
Blandness frightens me.

193
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,160
I mean, if I were you,
I'd take down the mirrors.

194
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:03,960
Like skimmed milk.

195
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:05,960
I always feel
like they might be haunted

196
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,960
by the ghost of the colour beige.

197
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,160
There's no such thing as bad art.

198
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,800
No, that's a popular misconception.

199
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:13,960
Hi, everyone!

200
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,960
Ah!
Ah, there she is.

201
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,800
Lucy.

202
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,000
David, are you still in Tokyo?

203
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,960
Oh, Lucy, thank you so much
for noticing.

204
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,960
What can we do for you?

205
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:25,320
It sounded important.

206
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,800
Yeah, well, erm...

207
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:27,960
'Ello, 'ello.

208
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,800
HE LAUGHS

209
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,160
David! Michael!

210
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:33,960
I'm sorry, guys.
Oh...

211
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
Look, he's my brother, so...

212
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,960
Anyway, I'll leave you to it now.

213
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:38,960
Thanks, Lucy.

214
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,960
Thank you.

215
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:42,960
Oh, she's... Isn't she?

216
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:43,960
Just...

217
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:46,000
This is tiresome.

218
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,960
And I have missed you, too, Michael.

219
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:49,960
Why are you here?

220
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Oh, just to catch up really.
Long time, no see.

221
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,800
Have you lost weight?

222
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,960
Who?

223
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
Er, both of you. Either of you?

224
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
No!
Michael, your hair looks...

225
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:00,960
Er... younger.

226
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
Younger?

227
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Er, darker, is what I mean.

228
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
It's just the light in the room.

229
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,960
It's just the light!

230
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:08,960
Isn't it just great to have

231
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,960
the old gang back together, hm?

232
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:12,960
Did you get Lucy to set this up?

233
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,960
No! Let's all say our favourite line
from Staged at the same time,

234
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:16,960
shall we? One, two, three.

235
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Who stole the cookie
from the cookie jar?

236
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:22,640
Lucy said she needed to speak to us.

237
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,960
Yeah, she was having
"a career crisis".

238
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:25,960
Did you tell her to say that?

239
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:29,320
I... I told her
I wanted to speak to you.

240
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,960
Speak to our agents, Simon.

241
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,960
Well, they're not returning
my calls.

242
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,160
Yeah, because they have your mugshot
on the wall of their office

243
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,320
with "Never answer the phone to
this fuckwit" written all over it.

244
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:40,960
You said you were bored
of doing Staged.

245
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
Not bored, not bored.

246
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,800
You wanted to do different things.

247
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:45,960
Different things with you.

248
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
No, no, no.
You said you were bored of us. Yes.

249
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Is there a version of this
conversation where we all calm down?

250
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,320
Yes.

251
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:58,960
All right.

252
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960
Is there a version

253
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,800
of this conversation

254
00:10:02,800 --> 00:10:04,960
where I am able to speak

255
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,320
uninterrupted...

256
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,160
..for a bit?

257
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,960
It's not impossible.

258
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,800
It's not impossible, no.
OK, well...

259
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:16,960
Erm... er...

260
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,960
is there a version of... of...
of this...

261
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:25,960
..December where... we...?

262
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
Is there a version of December

263
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,960
where we all work together again?

264
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,480
There's always a version.

265
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,960
There is a version, isn't there?

266
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:40,960
Something... something classical,
theatrical,

267
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,000
the old rat-a-tat-tat,
the old charm.

268
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,960
Look, David's in Tokyo.
Yeah.

269
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
Michael's buying a Christmas tree.
Yeah.

270
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Is there a version, though,

271
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960
that celebrates all that?

272
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,960
There's always a version.
There's always a version.

273
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,800
I want to direct a radio play

274
00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:01,480
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author,

275
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:02,960
which can be rehearsed anywhere,

276
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960
quickly and easily,
and then performed live

277
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960
from anywhere in the world
on Christmas Eve,

278
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,960
and I'm wondering
if there's a version of December

279
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
where we all do that together

280
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
and it's wonderful.

281
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,480
TV PLAYS FAINTLY

282
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,960
Looks like they're hoping
the wind is gonna blow

283
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:27,800
the smoke cloud away to the north.

284
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:28,960
How long's that gonna take?

285
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,960
I mean, I don't really know.
It's all in Japanese.

286
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,960
SHE SIGHS
Has anyone been hurt?

287
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,160
No, I don't think so.

288
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,960
Then it needs a stern talking to.

289
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,480
Yeah, it's a six-mile high
column of ash, but...

290
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:44,960
Well, that's no excuse
for petulance.

291
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,000
You'll be back for my birthday,
won't you?

292
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:48,960
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I hope so.

293
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:50,960
David!

294
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,000
I never even wanted you
to do this fucking job anyway.

295
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,960
I will move mountains, my darling.

296
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,960
OK, well, moving mountains seems
to be the cause of the problem.

297
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Can you get a train or something?

298
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:03,960
Japan's an island.

299
00:12:03,960 --> 00:12:05,960
I know it's an island.
I just miss you.

300
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:06,960
I miss you, too.

301
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:09,960
Do the kids miss me?

302
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960
I dunno. I'll ask them.
Kids, do you miss Dad?

303
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:17,960
That's awkward.

304
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
I mean...

305
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,160
They're pining.

306
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:26,000
Mm. I like that picture on the wall.
Yeah, me too. Look.

307
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,960
Boobies!

308
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,960
Yeah, it's well lit.

309
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,640
And hung.
Hanged.

310
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,640
No, that's not how you say that.

311
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,960
Michael has an aversion
to hotel room art.

312
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,960
Course he does. Is he still...?
A grumpy bastard? Yes!

313
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Sorry.

314
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,960
I think he misses me, too.

315
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Probably.

316
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,000
There was a wee moment,

317
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,320
there was a little...
a little flash of the old magic.

318
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,960
We were talking to Simon...
Why were you talking to Simon?

319
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:54,960
Oh, he finagled his way
into this call with Lucy,

320
00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:56,960
but just for a second,

321
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,640
it was like the old times.

322
00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,960
Zip, zap, bing, bong, whizz, wang...

323
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,960
OK, but why was Simon talking
to you?

324
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
He wanted to suggest something.

325
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,960
Oh, oh, did he?
Yeah.

326
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960
Not a terrible idea, actually.

327
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,480
No? OK, tell me.
It's a radio version

328
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:15,960
of Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.

329
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,960
You can rehearse it anywhere,
then we all come together

330
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
to perform it live on Christmas Eve.

331
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
OK, yeah,
he burned that bridge, David.

332
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:24,640
I know. He just wanted to know
if there was a version of December

333
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,320
where we all did that together,
that was all.

334
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160
Did he ask like that?
Like what?

335
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,960
"Is there a version?"

336
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,960
I don't know. I think so, yeah.

337
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,000
Yeah, cos you don't use that phrase.
No.

338
00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:38,960
Must've been Simon, then.

339
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Yeah, OK. Well, he is
a pernicious little skunk.

340
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,320
Whoa! Why?

341
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:45,960
It's Machiavellian.

342
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,960
How is it Machiavellian?

343
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960
Because you can't say no to it.

344
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,480
It removes all of the emotion.

345
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,960
People use it
when they wanna get their own way.

346
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:55,960
There's always a version
where this or that happens.

347
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,640
Doesn't mean it's the right one!

348
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,960
You're being paranoid.

349
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Oh, am I?
Yeah.

350
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,960
Am I? Let's see, shall we?

351
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,800
PHONE DIALS

352
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,960
'Hi, Georgia.'

353
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:09,480
Hi, Anna. Hi. Listen.

354
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,960
I am really looking forward
to seeing you this weekend.

355
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:15,960
I was just wondering, is there
a version where you come to ours?

356
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
'Why are you using that phrase?'

357
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960
What phrase?

358
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
'You know what phrase.'

359
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:22,000
Just proving something to David.

360
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:24,960
'Don't mind-game me, Tennant.'

361
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,000
OK, see you this weekend.

362
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,960
'Is there a version
where I shove...?'

363
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Simon is manipulating us?
Mm-hm.

364
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,960
I didn't think he had it in him.

365
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,800
WHISPERS: Little shit.

366
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,640
Everyone's very excited.

367
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:41,960
You've told them?

368
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,160
I have Team Staged
back together again.

369
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,960
We're very excited.

370
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Yes, we've talked about it non-stop
since you brought it up.

371
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:50,960
No second thoughts, I hope?
None.

372
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,960
Not a single second thought.

373
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Can I just say that I'm sorry

374
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:57,960
for what I said publicly
about us before?

375
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Don't worry about it. It's fine.
You wanted to branch out.

376
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Yeah, I wanted to try something new
to show that I could do new things.

377
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:04,960
I was frustrated, OK.

378
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,640
Just everyone wanted you.

379
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,960
Water under the bridge.

380
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
I was afraid I'd burnt the bridge.
Well, the bridge is fine.

381
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:12,960
I wonder if there's a version

382
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,960
of this whole experience
where we end up as friends.

383
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,960
I wonder that, too.

384
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,960
A version where we're best friends.

385
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,800
Wouldn't that be nice?

386
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,960
I was just thinking before I got on
the call, I wonder

387
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,320
if there's a version
where we don't do

388
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,960
Six Characters In Search
Of An Author, we do something else.

389
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,160
Not Six Characters?

390
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,960
I'm just saying.

391
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Is there a version where I write
something original for us?

392
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
Something original?

393
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:38,960
I like the idea.
There is a version, isn't there?

394
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,640
There's certainly a version.
But is there a version

395
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,960
where someone else writes it?
Mm.

396
00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,960
Someone else?

397
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Is there a version, Simon?

398
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,000
Who?

399
00:15:59,640 --> 00:16:01,800
Neil Gaiman, perhaps?

400
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:02,960
Neil Gaiman?!
Oh, no.

401
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,960
No.
Why not?

402
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Because there's a version
where I never read his books,

403
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:09,960
and in that version,
I've kept that a secret for years.

404
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
I don't wanna chance
my luck any further.

405
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,320
You never read his books?
I'm saying

406
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,480
there's a version of reality
where I haven't.

407
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:16,960
Not even Good Omens?

408
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:18,960
I mean, I skimmed it.

409
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,960
He keeps sending us signed copies.

410
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960
And there's a version
where I sell them on eBay.

411
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
Is there a version where I still
direct it, though, maybe?

412
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,960
Never mind Neil Gaiman.
What about Russell T Davies?

413
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I'm sorry. There's a version
where I don't like Russell T Davies.

414
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Why not?
Cos he doesn't like me.

415
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Rubbish!
He never casts me.

416
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,960
Well, I mean, is there a version
where that doesn't matter

417
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960
cos he's got loads of BAFTAs
and an OBE and shit?

418
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,960
But does he have
a British Comedy Award?

419
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,160
He's got that, too.
Disappointing.

420
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,960
He does not respect me.

421
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,960
He asked you to do
a bit from Under Milk Wood.

422
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,960
You can't swing a fucking cat
for people who've asked me

423
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,960
to do a bit from Under Milk Wood.

424
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,640
Is there a version where you stop
being so cantankerous?

425
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
I'm not being cantankerous.

426
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
No, you've been snarky and cold

427
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:02,960
with me for weeks now,

428
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:03,960
and I reach out and I try,

429
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,320
and you brush me off.

430
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:07,640
Well, is there a version
where you accept

431
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,960
that we have been working together
non-stop for two years

432
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:14,960
and I might not wanna spend
all my time with you all the time?

433
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,960
Is there a version
where I might want a change?

434
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,960
I don't know what to say.
Is there a version

435
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,960
where Simon's not the only one
who's bored of us?

436
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
I don't accept that version.

437
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,960
Can I just add

438
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,960
that I've already been paid for it

439
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,960
and... and have told them
that they'll have it

440
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:47,960
and they're expecting us
to do it on Christmas Eve,

441
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960
so whatever we do,

442
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,320
there is a version
where we are doing it

443
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:55,960
and that is the version.

444
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,960
We're in that version.

445
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,960
Honestly, guys,
I'm so flattered to be asked.

446
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Well, it was David's idea.

447
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
You been busy?

448
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,960
Just finished a novel, a new one.

449
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
Ah!
Exciting!

450
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Fantasy?
Not this time.

451
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,960
This one is a Nordic noir.

452
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,160
Well, that's new!

453
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,960
I thought it was time to, you know,
branch out, do some new things,

454
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:27,480
show I'm not just a one-trick pony.

455
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,960
You know, I'll send you both a copy.

456
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:31,960
Thank you.

457
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:32,960
Of course.

458
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:34,960
You know, guys, I just thought

459
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:36,960
you would have gone
to Russell T Davies for this.

460
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,800
Well, Michael's not a fan.

461
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,960
I mean, what does the T
even stand for?

462
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
It stands for Stephen.
No, that can't be right.

463
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,960
Yeah, it's Stephen Russell Davies.

464
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,960
Well, that makes no sense!

465
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:49,960
Does it feel
a bit pretentious to you?

466
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
Well, redundant for sure.

467
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,960
Yeah, like a kitschy sort of spleen.

468
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Michael C Sheen.

469
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,960
David J Tennant.

470
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,960
Neil RM Gaiman.

471
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Ooh, two initials!

472
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:04,960
Yeah, I added one.

473
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:06,960
Does that feel ostentatious?

474
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,960
Well, it worked
for George RR Martin.

475
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,960
Yeah...

476
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,960
We are not talking
about George RR Martin.

477
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,960
I don't wanna talk about it.

478
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:22,480
So, a radio play!

479
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,960
Yes, you know, something original

480
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,960
or an adaptation.

481
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
One of mine?
David?

482
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,960
No.

483
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:32,960
Oh, why not?

484
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960
David, come on.

485
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,960
Which one's your favourite
of my books?

486
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:37,960
Mm.

487
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,160
I mean, they're all very good.

488
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,480
I just think this should be,
like, an old classic maybe,

489
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,960
something familiar.

490
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
Who's directing?
Simon.

491
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,960
So, something idiot-proof, then.

492
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,640
Yeah.

493
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:52,960
Hm. OK, I've got one.

494
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,800
Great Expectations,

495
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:59,960
but Miss Havisham's death is treated
as suspicious.

496
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,960
Hamlet. You both love Hamlet,

497
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:06,960
but this time,
he's a gloomy Danish cop

498
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,960
who realises that his father's death
was suspicious

499
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:14,800
and his mother...
ear poison murdered him.

500
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:16,960
Pride And Prejudice.

501
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,960
We open on a misty Nordic lake.

502
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
See, I don't know that this needs
the Nordic approach.

503
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
Michael, it's where the money is.

504
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:27,960
Everybody loves Nordic.

505
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,480
Yeah.
Tales of bitter Gothic vengeance.

506
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:32,960
Just right for Christmas.

507
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,640
Yeah, something festive maybe?
What about A Christmas Carol?

508
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:37,960
Oh!

509
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,960
Oh, that's brilliant!
David, I love it! That's the tits!

510
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,800
OK.

511
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,960
So, Marley is dead to begin with.

512
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:50,160
Only Scrooge is gonna find out
who did it.

513
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,960
It's gonna be Bob Cratchit,
last person you'd suspect.

514
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:56,960
Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim did it.

515
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
Everybody's gonna love it.

516
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:01,960
Yeah, I don't really think
that's the way to go.

517
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,960
OK. No, I see your point.

518
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:06,960
That makes a lot of sense. But...

519
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Is there a version of this

520
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,960
in which...?
Fuck you, Gaiman!